Body issues

I wasn't more than 12 or 13 when my father made a snide comment to the effect of "thunder thighs" or something of the like. He thought he was just teasing, but just like that my life long battle began. It wasn't entirely his fault, and perhaps he didn't even realize what he had done. But I became fully aware of what was and what was not socially acceptable when it came to how I looked. Like most young girls of pubescent age, everything matters. How you look and how you perceive how people see you just happens to be the most important thing in the world. At that time, I thought I was fat. Keeping in mind, dear reader, I was maybe 13, but I knew I was fat. Well I was fatter than every other girl in my class and certainly fatter than all the "popular girls." Little did I know, most of those popular girls felt the exact same way I did. And some still do. Life and time have a way of equalizing us all.

Fast forward 16 years and I can say with all honesty most of those feelings have gone. I say most because I still have the occasional glance in the mirror when I linger a little longer on my midsection as I step out of the shower. But now as I look at the stretch marks and hanging belly skin, I see love. Love that came from carrying my son through a pregnancy. Love that comes from nursing my son as he grows through his first year of life. Love that comes from a woman who finally after 29 years of living in, loving, and hating her body...has finally decided to let it go. I don't want to be one of those women who scrutinizes every line on her face or schedules her "routine" tummy tuck or face lift at 50. I don't want to be one of those women who agonizes the cellulite or spider veins. I don't want to be one of those women who passes on her negative body image issues onto her children. I want to be a woman who laughs often and doesn't give a single thought to the laugh lines that will inevitably appear. I want to be a woman who eats dessert with her children and husband and enjoys it without thinking of the extra sit-ups she'll have to do in the morning. I want to be a woman who doesn't shrug off her husband's compliments or roving hands. I want my children to see that I think myself as beautiful regardless of what size jeans I am currently in.

THIS IS MY BODY. It's not Hollywood perfect. It's not MTV perfect. But perfectly me. This is the body of a woman who has loved life and given and nourished life. Every stretch mark and dimple has been earned in love, and as I trace those curves I will smile. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I will no longer find my beauty in this world.

Writing a book?

I've had it in my mind for a little while now about writing a book. However, I don't really know what kind of book I want to write. I know you're supposed to write about what you know or what you're passionate about. For me, I have many passions and know a great many things. So the question is what do I write about? Children's book? Book on being a first time mom? Movies and how they suck nowadays? The highs and lows of being a stay at home military mom? I just don't know, but I want to do this. Suggestions?

A Letter to my son at 8 months

Barrett,

I am amazed by you right now. So many things for you to do, see, play with, examine, and figure out. You are growing up so fast....right before our eyes. You can crawl, pull up on things and have 2 teeth now. You spend your days playing and napping hard. I can hardly believe you are already 8 months old. It really only feels like you were born a few days ago. The time has flown so quickly. I never imagined you would be the source of so much joy in our life. I knew we would love you and adore every moment, but seeing you play and laugh and smile at all the wonders of your day simply lights up the room.

Still so easy going and laid back, it is easy to take you places, and you love meeting new people. Everyone falls in love with you as soon as they lay eyes on you. People always comment on what a good baby you are and I have to agree. I thank God every day for giving your father and I such an amazing blessing. I look forward to the days ahead when we can start communicating better. We started signing with you a few weeks ago, and hopefully as the signs start to make sense to you we can sign back and forth. Although, I do understand your language of squeals and screams. I guess that is a mother's privilege. Thankfully, you have taken to sleeping in your room like a champ, and most nights you are down for the count around 8:30 and asleep til 8 or 8:30 the next morning. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to know you are big enough to sleep by yourself. Such a big guy!

Honestly, I think the thing that means the most to me right now is how you reach for us. The best parts of my day are going in to get you out of your crib after waking from a nap. Seeing the look of recognition on your face and then watching you smile really big and put your arms up in the air for me to pick you up genuinely warms my heart. I know these days of simple pleasures won't last, and we will have our trials as you grow, but for now you are still my little baby. And I am going to enjoy every moment while we can. I will rock you in the rocking chair until you don't want me to anymore. I will spoon feed you until you want to do it for yourself. I will scoop you up off the floor after you've bumped your head until you realize you're a big boy and big boys don't need their mommies to kiss their boo-boos anymore. I know that day is coming, and when it does I will have all these beautiful memories to look back on and smile and know that God gave me such an amazing baby boy to care for and love.

I love you,
Mommy

Another month gone

I honestly don't know where the time goes most days. Between watching and playing with the baby and trying to get some stuff done around the house, I look up and the day is already gone. Like today for example, baby woke up at 8am so we played in my bed until his naptime at 9:30. I then got ready for the day: wash face, brush teeth, put on makeup and clothes. Then did some laundry. Baby woke up at 10:45 and we ran some errands around town, came home and fed the baby some lunch and naptime again. I got to do my workout in peace, and he woke up around 1:30. Fed a snack and played alot on the floor. I ate lunch and played some more. Then naptime again at 3. He is still sleeping and I am getting some stuff done online and finishing the laundry. Oh and somewhere in there I cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes. And started thawing out some ground beef for use in tonight's dinner.

However, I don't think I have actually enjoyed the day. I haven't really stopped to enjoy the cute moments with my son or listen to any music or watch a favorite TV show or anything that would enrich me. I need to do some things that are enriching instead of doing things that end up just sucking up my day and time. You know, more and more often the idea of writing a book has been harder and harder to get rid of or justify why I shouldn't. I guess I could always do that.

A Letter to my son at 6 months

Barrett,

Another 4 months have passed in your life. Days filled with new adventures, trials, joys and sorrows. I can hardly believe how quickly you have grown. No longer the rolly polly newborn squirming in my arms but rather an attentive infant with an agenda of your own. You closely watch around you now with a piercing gaze as if trying to understand the very nature of the things: the dogs as they pass, a cartoon character on television, one of your toys flung across the room. Everything receives your undivided and uncompromising attention. You have a personality now, easy going like your daddy with a few eccentric streaks just like me. Your laugh is contagious, and you smile so often now. Except when you don't which right now is just because of the teething pain. Hopefully that will be remedied soon enough when the 2 bottom teeth emerge from their hiding place below your gumline. You sleep in your own bed now, and believe me that was one of the hardest things I think the two of us have ever done. It was a long weekend when we moved you into your room, but 3 days in and you were sleeping like a champ. Thank you for that. Now, we both can get some good sleep most nights. Still breastfeeding, but with real food thrown in for good measure. Peas and peaches seem to be your favorites right now, but applesauce and avocados are up there too. However, your greatest accomplishment to date is your willingness to use your baby potty. Your father and I are so proud of you, and we know it will make the transition to the big boy potty much easier when the time comes.

I can honestly say I never expected to be this in love with you. I knew I would love you as my son, but the intensity of this love is nothing I have ever known before. You are truly the light of my life and watching you grow is the reward for waiting so long for you. I love you with all my heart.

Love,
Mommy

Musings

I don't understand how after so many years have passed I can still marvel at the carefree lifestyle I let go. How did I allow it to happen? How did I live so free without a single thought to tomorrow? Shadows of my previous life flit through the air like smoke exhaled from the lips of ancient gods. I can smell that life when I close my eyes at night, thick like whiskey and dark like secrets whispered between two lingering in the embrace of something forbidden. I drank expensive booze and smoked expensive foreign cigarettes. I drove fast and lived fast. I was afraid of nothing. I was up for anything, anytime, anywhere. I wonder now how I even managed to pull myself back to reality and become a "responsible adult." Isn't that what we are supposed to be? Responsible adults. Keeping to the plans set before us by society or family or whoever. Not rocking the boats. Sticking to the status quo. I am left with the questions posed from years before. I may never have the answers I sought then, but I understand now I could never have been truly happy then. I wasn't truly happy then.

I was existing day to day, never thriving. I had people at an arm's length. Never really letting people in for fear of what they might find or worse, what I might reveal to them in a moment's weakness. I want to know people and I want people to know me. Everything about me...the good, bad, and indifferent. I am flawed but beautiful. I am neurotic but hilarious. I am one of the best amateur cooks I know and a damn fine wife, lover, and mother. I am still afraid of nothing. I am fiercely protective and loyal. I listen to good music and drink the occasional glass of whiskey albeit the whiskey is few and far between lately. A film snob in every sense of the words piously hoping the powers that be will eventually realize the American public isn't worth making films for and will get back to finding true, individual talents and showcasing them in works of genius.

Sometimes the person you envision yourself becoming is not at all who you eventually become. Sometimes that is good and sometimes bad, but in my case, I hope I can look at everything I have seen and done and be thankful that I don't know how the story ends. My book is still being written, and I foresee several twists in this plot.

Culinary experiment

I decided this morning I was going to tackle creme brulee. I went to the store with Barrett in tow and purchased the necessary ingredients. I had to wait until Barrett's afternoon nap to start cooking, and to my surprise the recipe was incredibly easy. Not complicated or daunting like I had imagined. Everything came together in less than an hour and into the refridgerator for the manditory 3 hour rest period.

Now comes the moment of truth....eating the first one. I'll let you know how it goes.

A Letter to my son at 2 months

Friday, April 17, 2009

Barrett, Here it is...2 months have flown past since God let us borrow you from heaven. I can't hardly believe everything that has happened. I look at you these days, with your eyes so bright and full of wonder, and I can't even imagine life without you in it. How did your father and I even exist without you? The joy and overwhelming happiness you bring into our home is immeasurable. We were happy before, but now it seems we are finally complete. The beginning was rough. I thought I would never stop crying. The tears were tears of fear, love, sadness, and joy. I felt like a crazy person most of the first few weeks of your life, and I'm sorry if you ever suspected God might have made a mistake by making me your mother. Everything was a challenge. Learning how to breastfeed you, change you, sleep when you slept, bathe you. Babies were never my strong suit, but as the days have passed we have found a routine that works for us. You continually amaze me. With each coo and gurgle you are wrapping me around your little tiny finger, and I find myself more in love with you than the moment before. I watch your baby blues drink in the world around you and am in awe of what you must be thinking and dreaming of. I know I will miss these early days, your bobble head, the bubbles you blow with your drool, all the first smiles and giggles, but nothing will be better than the days to come. I can't wait for the next day when you teach me something else I didn't know about myself or about being a mother. I can't wait to watch you grow into your gigantic melon, which by the way you got from your father. I want to see your face as you explore the world around you all the while quietly watching from a far ready to attack any one or thing that tries to hurt you. My whole life has been leading to this, and I am forever thankful to almighty God for bestowing upon me the greatest gift...you. I love you, Barrett Keith.

Where did we go wrong

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I find myself wondering alot these days, and yes I know I have started a post with that same phrase or something closely resembling that. I don't care. It's the truth. For reasons beyond my control I find myself in a lonely season. Life is good, but things are lonely. People moved and/or are thinking of moving. People had and/or are having children. The carefree college days are long past and now is the stark white reality of real life. Where did I go wrong? I think if we are honest with ourselves we understand that life moves on and people grow apart, but what if the reality is a sham to gloss over the pain of something underneath. Where did I fail you? Movies make us believe that friends are friends no matter the cost or the pain, but that's not really the truth. Friends hurt us. Friends disappoint us. And ultimately, friends are the ones who walk out on us the most. But is that the end? I say no. I say...let's move on together. Whatever was said, not said, done or not done...it's over. If you continue to linger in your self-pity, self-loathing, self-worship or whatever you are doing, it only creates a deeper chasm for me to bridge. Now I am willing to cross, however, if in the immortal words of Tyler Durden, what happened is "the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it"...then let's fight it out and get over it. Now ponder carefully your choice as I have been known in my wilder days to cut a person to ribbons with only a turn of phrase. The years have mellowed me; it is true, but don't deceive yourself to think I couldn't draw blood if needed. A surgeon must cut in order to remove the cancer before it spreads, and I pray I would have the skill necessary to cut you if I had to. That, of course, would not be my only intention, but I believe you understand my point. I await your choice. So back to the beginning. Where did we go wrong? Where did I fail you? If I have phrased this correctly, I could and most likely am speaking to any number of people. Read into this as much or as little as you like. I grant you the freedom to do so as I'm sure you would have anyway. But as I have stated before, my friends have and always will be the crafters of my fate. With whom I have laughed, cried, loved and shared many precious and not so precious moments. Over the past 10 years many of you have seen me at my worst and my best, and I pray when looking back you grant me mercy for what was said, unsaid, done or undone.

One year older...none the wiser

Thursday, May 15, 2008

***WARNING! This post is extremely angry and cynical. If you are faint of heart or are easily offended, you may want to skip this one. You've been warned.*** So here it is. Two days past my 28th birthday. 28. 2-8 It's been ten years since I graduated high school, and the whole situation has me a bit nostalgic. But then again, not really. It's a complicated emotion. I mean, who ARE these people who say high school is the "best years of your life." Are they serious?! Because if I could go back and relive any point in my history, I can tell you without hesitation it would not be high school. Other than the few (and I do mean few) meaningful friendships and relationships, those 4 tulmultuous years spent in Columbia High was basically a mild and legal version of torture. Now, don't get me wrong. It served its purpose, and blah blah blah. But if you're honest with yourself, high school is a joke. It's a little more than a popularity contest that bleeds into your adult life. If you're from a small town who you were in high school is probably who you are as an adult. If you were the jerk who got his/her jollies from ragging on everyone else, you're probably still that jerk. If you were an outcast, you're probably still an outcast but were always really talented but no one bothered to notice while we were all enduring the torture together. The stereotypes could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. I've heard a lot of rumors going around about our reunion, and let me just put this one to rest. I'm not going. Sorry, but I'm not. I don't think standing around in a huddled circle having repeated 5 minute awkward conversations about our lives sounds very appealing. If you're not in my life right now for one reason or another, I can sum up my life in a paragraph for you. Married for 3 years now, no kids. And no my life isn't empty because we don't have kids yet, but thanks for thinking you are better than me or more fulfilled than me because you do have kids. I still have my freedom. I'm an account manager at a private PR/CS firm in San Marcos, and my husband is in the military and works as the worship leader at our church. We have two dogs: Clementine and Spartacus, a catahoula mix and a miniature schnauzer respectively. We just bought our first home. That's it. At least that's as much as we would discuss in those awkward conversations repeating the same thing over and over again. Because in the end, people go to class reunions to do one thing...make themselves feel better about their lives by comparing how they turned out in relation to everyone else. And to whisper behind everyone's backs just like they did 10 years ago. Sorry but I won't be fodder for anyone's water cooler gossip the following Monday. You can just wonder about me. ***I told you so.***

Standing on the verge

Monday, March 24, 2008

A decision has to be made. Jump or not. Easy enough, you would think, but of course you would be wrong. If it was so easy you would have done it already. What is keeping you from doing it? Whatever "it" is. I have a lot of different "it"s in my life, and I’m sure you do to. What holds us back? Keeps us locked in place or worse, spinning in circles. There was a time when nothing could have kept me from running on ahead just to see what was around the next corner, what was over the next hill. What changed? Was it the sadness of losing those old dreams? The devastation over a lost lover? I don’t really know anymore. Will this next step bring me closer to who I’m supposed to be or will it just be another replacement standing in for me? Did I get off track or did I just stop caring about it all together? Where is the distinction? I want to know. Gazing into the future has never been a talent for me. Some people can do it, I can’t. I don’t know if I would want to, but this verge has me scared. Scared of everything it stands for and of everything it will turn me into. Do I really want this? No one has the answer and yet everyone is so eager to tell me I’m not complete unless I jump off this cliff. Who are they to say what is best for me? Or this life? What if this is the wonderful life I am supposed to have? This is all. This is it. Why isn’t that enough for everyone looking on?

Reflections on an October evening...

Monday, October 15, 2007

I find myself wondering lately about alot of things. Like....why does it take a major tragedy or life change for people to genuinely care about each other? How does it make sense to be lonely in the midst of a crowd? When did it become acceptable for people to stop being kind? And why are there so few hugs and kisses? Why are we so cold and unfeeling towards each other? Why are we so determined to hold onto the past? Why are we so distant from one another? Are we really that different? I'm writing this to a specific person who may or may not read this entry, but it doesn't matter if they do or not. I don't know what is going on with your life. I want to. I don't know if you think of me, but I think about you often. I hope your life is turning out exactly the way you had hoped. I honestly do. What is done is done, and what is said is said. I can't change what happened or didn't happen to make you turn your back on me, but I have changed. I am not the woman I once was. Life has a way of reminding us what is truly important. You were important to me once, and I would like you to be again. Only you can make that decision. I have no idea who will or will not read this, but I want you to know as you read these words I love you. I may not have spoken to you in years. I may not have ever spoken to you. I love you. At some point you may have been a huge part of my life, and for that I am eternally greatful. You helped shape the woman I am now, and the older I get the more I realize I need the people who knew me when I was young. My friends have always been my life, and I am terribly sorry if I ever let a day pass when I didn't tell you. I love you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. We need to get back to a place where it is okay to extend a hand to a stranger and not expect something in return. We need to get back to thinking not everyone wants something from you or is trying to take advantage of us. The world is cruel and harsh without love and compassion. Try. Just try. Feel a little more than you normally would allow yourself. Open yourself up to understanding there will be pain, but it makes the experience of joy and happiness that much sweeter. It is worth it. Don't be afraid to touch someone. We don't touch anymore. It is so rare for people to hug. What happened? When did we become so antiseptic in our personal relationships? Why is it acceptable for children to go to bed wondering if their parents love them become they haven't ever been held? Why is it acceptable for wives to wonder? Why is it acceptable for husbands? Why can't we just hold on to one another and remind each other what it is to be and feel alive? I mean, come on, folks. This is the only life on this earth that we get. Why waste it in your own plastic bubble? I don't know if the dawn will bring a new understanding of things for me, but I hope so. Every day is a gift. I'm spending mine wisely now.

The glorious

Thursday, November 02, 2006

It is truly an amazing event when a woman understands how strong she really is. I wrote a friend today, and it dawned on me....I really am a strong woman. If you know me, you most likely know my past, and you know it's not pretty. But if you don't, it's okay. The ephipany doesn't have to be lost on you. Living in this day and age is remarkable. We have every known convenience. We have everything a civil society could want, and yet there are women in this country who wake up every morning and truly believe they are ugly, fat, unwanted, stupid...the adjectives could go on for days. How did we come to this? If you have a woman in your life, any woman; whether she is your wife, mother, lover, sister, aunt, grandmother or just your mail carrier, please tell her you appreciate her. Tell her she is lovely. Tell her she is fill in the blank. Because women are more than 3 times likely to attempt suicide than men just to see if someone will care enough to ask why. So if you care about a woman or women in your life, tell them. We are the last glorious, shining creations of God's hand.

Passion....

Monday, April 10, 2006

passion.... Christianity, believe it or not, has marked the time of human history. The events leading up to and following the cruxifiction of Jesus Christ has shaped every major political, artistic, and cultural movement since. However you feel towards God or Christ....good, bad, or indifferent, the fact of the matter is over 80% of nonpracticing Christians WILL go to church on Easter Sunday. And I want to know why? The events of passion week draw us in and invite us to learn more. Plain and simple. Why would anyone endure the pain, humiliation, scrutiny, torture, and shame? Easy. Because Christ knew what he was doing and was fulfilling more than 40 different prophesies for the salvation of man. You can believe it or not. Christ was either who the Bible says and who He proclaimed to be OR he was the greatest liar and sharlatan ever born. There is no middle ground. There is no grey area. There is no third option. Lots of people I talk to say...."yeah, well what if you're wrong?" And you know what I say. "Yeah, it's true. What if I am wrong? But....what if I'm right?" What if. Do you really want to base your eternity on a question? Take the time. Use this week. Do some research on your own. Form your own opinions about faith instead of leeching off your friends.A good place to start is A Case for Christ and A Case for Faith both by Lee Strobel. Also anything by C.S. Lewis. These books can lead you to the truth, not to mention change your life. If you are planning on coming to Easter Sunday service and do not have a church, please come to ours. Fellowship of San Marcos. We currently are meeting on campus at Texas State at the university performing arts center behind Harris Underground. If you don't know where that is, please let me know. Either way, this week can be life changing if you let it. Just think about it.

When it all falls apart

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I am 25. A life lived almost to the full in such few years, but I know there is more to see and do and love and learn. Through the ups and downs, what has remained?......

friends...no, not really. This place is a testament to the fact we all grow apart and then are amazed when we find each other again.

family....no, not really. Families are great, but you eventually realize at some point your parents and siblings can't figure out their own lives much less yours too.

gf/bf....definately not. Even I know a man won't make me happy if I can't figure out how to do it myself.

spouses....now, this one is tricky. If you get married for the right reasons and walk into it with the right perspective, this relationship (for lack of a better word) is the closest thing to permanent we have in this world. BUT...if you get married and realize you weren't prepared or find out you didn't know the person you were so really MADLY in love with afterall....well we all know where that goes.

money....are you kidding? Most people don't even have a paycheck in their hands before it's spent in 14 different ways.

possessions....once again, are you kidding? You can't take all that crap with you when you die. And why would you want to? It was meaningless here, and only our inflated senses of accomplishment made feel like it was worth anything.

So what does that leave us with in the end when it all falls apart?

God. That's it. Only him. And, man, this world is in desperate need of a reality check if we think we don't need to figure this fundamental part of existance out. I'm not so sure why I wrote this other than I needed to hear it myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is....it's not too late to turn this whole thing around.

If you don't know Christ, it's okay. Today is the day. Don't put it off. We are not promised another dawn. Take advantage of the brain HE gave you and start the only relationship designed to meet ALL the needs, wants, desires, and dreams you have and could ever have. Understand you are a sinner because we all are. Say you are sorry and mean it this time. Ask Him to be in control, and really let go of all the pain, shame and torment of trying to live up to the world's crappy expectations. I promise it will make the world of difference in your life because it did and continues to in my life.

If you have questions or just want to rant at me for having the audacity to post this in a public place, please feel free to have at me for it. Believe me, I welcome anything anyone has to say.

Moving some old blogs to this blog

Moving some old blog posts to this one so everything is in one place. More to come.

Meditations on a green sky

I've often wondered if the things I did or didn't do in my youth really sculpted the woman I am today. Did the lovers I left in my past shape the lover I am today? Did the friends I left behind make me the friend I am now? I dream regularly of people from my past, and sometimes I want to call and talk to those people just to see if I am in their thoughts and dreams. One particular person reoccurs in my dreams. So often, in fact, it's annoying. Why am I dreaming about him? We didn't even really like each other when we knew each other.

Then I think...what if those same people who skate through my dreams at night are dreaming of me too? Would that even be a possibility? It's exciting to think of such a thing. To think we might be intertwined in dreaming. How beautiful.

Freaking A/C is leaking!

So I got up because I couldn't sleep, and I hear dripping. Great! I walk down the hallway and listen for where it is coming from and lo and behold it's coming from the A/C vent. I open the panel and move the air filter and the freaking ground is covered in 1/2" of water!!!! Who knows how long it has been dripping?!!! The drywall behind the vent is wet and the 2x4s are wet. I am pissed. This unit was just installed in May. We haven't even had it for 2 months. All I know is the people who installed it better come tomorrow, and they better fix it and provide an answer as to why the "state of the art" A/C unit they sold us is freaking dripping through our ceiling!

Dammit, now we have to figure out how to dry the area behind the vent so mold doesn't grow. Of course this would happen as soon as we decide to sell our house! It never ends. It's always something.

Musings on a Friday evening

Things are moving towards our inevitable move in March of next year, and I can't help but be a little apprehensive. San Marcos has been home for almost a decade, and leaving Texas isn't something I thought I would ever do. I am extremely proud of my husband, and I know this season in our family's life is going to be exciting and will be great for us in the long run. But it's just different. At least Barrett won't remember living in another state besides Texas.

Sleeping alone

So after 3 nights of what I thought to be the most horrible experience of my young son's life, he has done it. He slept through the night. But first a little backstory.

For the past 3 weeks, he had gone back to a sleep pattern that more closely resembled a newborn than a 4 month old. Waking every hour wanting to nurse and napping frequently during the day but not for more than an hour at a time. I was exhausted and so I thought about what we could do about it because I knew I couldn't continue like we were going. So after some thinking, I moved him into his crib on Saturday night, and it was horrible. He cried and screamed most of the night, and I got very little sleep. Sunday night was better. He only woke up a handful of times, and I only nursed him twice. I huge improvement from nursing him every hour on the hour only a week before. He was able to put himself back to sleep without needing to be rocked, patted or nursed down. And then last night, we followed our usual nighttime routine: bathtime, new diaper, lotion, pajamas, story time, final feeding, and prayer time. Then straight down in the crib. He slept from 9:00 to 4:30. I was amazed! I woke up a couple times during the night and listened to the monitor, and Barrett was sleeping soundly. Not even a peep.

It is amazing watching him grow up right before my eyes, and I know I will miss the early morning snuggles and late night feedings when they are gone. But for right now, I am in awe of my son.

Home alone with the babe

Daddy's camping. Baby's playing with his mirror. I am trying to watch movies. It's been a boring day. Nothing is going on around here.

Reaching my limit

So Barrett turned 4 months on Tuesday of last week, and it has been non-stop whining and crying ever since. I don't know what's going on with him. I think he might be teething so he is probably in pain. We've been trying teething tablets and camilia and baby tylenol and nothing seems to work. I'm at a loss. I feel like we have a newborn in the house again. It's making me crazy.

Sunday blues

I find myself lonely today. Just ready for a vacation I guess.

Teething woes

Barrett's teething. At least I really hope it's teething. This has been going on for about 2 weeks now, and I don't see or feel anything different in his mouth. From what I've read, teething can start as early as birth so I guess we're lucky in that respect, but I really wish something would happen. The drooling, the biting, the chewing, and the nasty green poops are getting really old. Pray for us because he's waking up alot more frequenty at night and it feels like we have a newborn in the house again. I'm exhausted and running on mostly caffeine and sugar, not the ideal nutrition for a breastfeeding mom.

Sooo tired...

We have got to figure out some new way of dealing with Barrett at night. He's waking up 3 or 4 times a night, and I am not getting any quality sleep. I feel like we have a newborn in the house again. I put him in his crib last night for about an hour and a half, and miraculously he slept. I was amazed. But that still leaves us with the question: do we transition him into his own room/crib? Or do we continue to have him in our room in the cosleeper?

Either way I have got to start getting more substantial sleep. I'm a zombie today.

Rant for the day

I am so sick of people trying to tell me how I should be raising my son. Where do people get off telling other parents what they should and should not be doing? GRRRRR! It makes me so mad.

No, I am NOT going to supplement with formula. It is made out of the lowest quality chemicals available on the market, and not even a fair substitute for breast milk. How can anyone think it is a good idea to use it? And no, I don't care if I offend someone who may read this. It's my blog. If you don't like what I'm saying, stop reading.

No, I am NOT going to introduce solids before my son is ready for them. Right now he is not showing any interest in our food and still has a fully operational tongue thrust reflect. He doesn't sit up on his own and is gaining plenty of weight just on breast milk. So STOP asking or telling me when am I going to start him on solids. I will when HE is ready, not when the conventional schedule says I should.

No, I am NOT going to move him into his own room until he is ready to do it. Yes, he is sleeping with us. No, I don't think that is going to give him a complex later in life nor do I think it is causing him a disservice by allowing him full access to Mommy and Daddy during the night. He is just as independent as he needs to be at this age. Right now, he is still waking up during the night to nurse so why would I interrupt not only my sleep but also my husband's getting up several times a night to go into the baby's room to nurse him? By the time I wake up enough to hear him screaming, he's been screaming for several minutes and will be harder to console back to sleep. He will continue to sleep in our room until his little body is capable of sleeping through the night.

No, I do NOT need or want your opinion. My husband and I are fully capable of raising our son in the exact way we have decided. We are going to wear our baby, let him sleep with us if it helps everyone get a better night's sleep, breastfeed until at LEAST 12 months, use alternative diapers, delay vaccinations and starting solids. The choices we make are ours to make, not yours. And I don't care if you don't agree with me. If you want to impart your beliefs on a child, have one of your own.

Barrett is going to grow up knowing his parents made informed decisions about his health and well being. He will be independent and have a burgeoning self worth. He will never question whether his parents love him because with our every breath we will be reaffirming that fact, and we will always be his advocate.

So in conclusion, leave it alone. I'm not going to change my mind for you or anyone else who thinks they know better than me or my husband in regards to raising our son.

Lazy Saturday

Today started like any other day. Barrett woke up at 4:30 needing to poop, then he did, and was awake for an hour and a half. We went back to sleep at 6, and then woke up again when he noticed the sun was up. He and Daddy went in the living room so I could sleep a few more hours which was glorious. He's been unusually sleepy today. Taking a 2 hour nap with Daddy and then eating and going back to sleep. I hope this doesn't mean there is something wrong with him. I guess we just have to keep an eye on things and call the doctor with anything strange.

Counting down the days til vacation

We are going on a real vacation in 2 weeks. I can't wait. The lake is going to be perfect, and hopefully the weather will cooperate. We are going to introduce Barrett to the water, and maybe if we're lucky he'll like it.

More vaccinations

Today Barrett had his second round of shots: Pc and Hib. As of right now, he is doing remarkably well considering. he's still a little more cranky and needy than normal, but I don't mind giving out more hugs and kisses. I guess we're lucky. Some kids scream and cry for hours after getting shots. Little man just cries during the shot and for a few seconds after. We came home and took a nice long nap together so he was happy when he woke up.

The most amazing thing is happening with Barrett. He's turning into a child and not just a newborn baby. He looks different, acts different, is different. His personality is developing, and he is a lot more fun to be around. He doesn't just sit around and stare at things. He is really studying everything around him trying to figure out how to get it into his mouth. I can't believe how much he's changed in just a few weeks. Everyday is something new. Everyday for him is a new adventure. I am so blessed to be able to bear witness to his wonder and exploration. And hopefully one day he will be able to express his appreciation for the days and nights his parents spent up and down with him.

Memorial weekend vacation

Every once in a while, we are fortunate enough to get out of town for a few days and not have to worry about anything we left behind in San Marcos. Memorial Day weekend was just one of those occasions. We went up to Ft. Worth to spend the weekend with my husband's family and just hang out. Barrett got to play with his cousin, Kaleb, and the rest of the family got to play with Barrett. The weekend would have been perfect if the Rangers could have just managed to beat the Yankees in yesterday's game. Oh well. Can't win them all.

Simple pleasures

Sometimes the most enjoyable things in life are the things we take for granted. I realized last night after watching an old episode of Sex and the City that things in my life have changed so much in the past decade. When I was in college there were days I would drive for hours without having a destination in mind. I would spend hours in coffeehouses and bars and flirt with strangers.

Now that I'm married and have a new son, I couldn't imagine doing those things anymore. It wouldn't be the same and those things really hold no appeal to me. I would rather spend my days and nights with my husband and son than be anywhere else in the world.

Laundry day

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of laundry this family generates. I am constantly and forever doing laundry. I has gotten alot easier now that I am a stay at home mom because I have the days to do the chores around the house, but I can remember spending entire weekends doing load after load of laundry. The worst part of laundry, in my opinion, is putting it away. I hate hanging up and folding clothes. I would rather be doing the laundry by hand then putting it away.

At least the weather is nice so while I'm doing the neverending pile of laundry I can look out the windows and smile at the beautiful sunshine. Maybe I'll open the windows.

Afternoon at the Drafthouse

Today was a monumental accomplishment for Barrett and me. This morning I decided I wanted to go to the movies. Well every Tuesday at the Alamo Drafthouse is baby day, meaning any babies of all ages are allowed in the showings. It is usually an 18 and up movie theater. So we packed up and drove to Austin all the while I was praying Barrett would be cool during the movie. Glory of glories, he was better than most of babies in the theater. He slept, nursed a couple times, and played with his friend Matilda who was sitting next to us.

I am so blessed to have such a laid back son. So now we know Barrett can make it all the way through a movie without losing it. Hooray! Mommy and Daddy can have a date night again without having to leave our beloved boy with someone.

Film snob

After seeing a few commercials of upcoming summer "blockbuster" movies, I am convinced that whoever are the powers that be in Hollywood are idiots. How many more sequels, prequels, and remakes do we have to endure before they get some new material? I am so tired of the same old stuff being spoonfed to the American public, but the sadder thing is that most people don't care the movie industry is a cespool and will go see all the raving crap being thrown out there. This fact just reafirms my belief that the majority of the American public are sheep and will do and see whatever has the best advertising. It is so sad.

I pride myself on being one of the black sheep who will choose a indie flick over a big budget Hollywood egostroke any day. I hate knowing the big wigs in California believe most of us don't have a brain to figure out the huge gaping plots holes and see the overuse of bluescreen or CGI. So this summer when you have the choice of seeing yet another remake or sequel, try to find something else. Make them work for your $8.00.

Saturday rain

Hubby's away being a soldier so me and the little man are at home together alone for the first weekend since he was born. Isn't that bizarre?! He's over 3 months old and this is the very first weekend we have had together without people around. I have to admit it's really great not having family or friends looming over my shoulder, watching him, playing with him, trying to take him out of my arms while he is nursing. (Seriously, that last one happened.) Being Barrett's mother is fantastic, especially when all he wants is me and not some weird family member touching him.

First photo shoot

We had our first professional photo shoot with our son this morning. I was a little nervous because he was sleeping when the photographer got to our house, but he woke up from the nap perfectly happy and ready to perform. I really hope we got some good shots.

Wishing for bags of money

I wish I had a big bag of money.

Birthday musings

Today is my 29th birthday, and as I write this my husband and baby are sleeping soundly in the other room. I don't get many moments alone these days so it's nice to know Barrett is safe sleeping next to daddy. I never would have imagined my life would be so fulfilled with all the simple things: watching my son discover new things, the way my husband smells after a shower, the quiet that fills our house after everyone is asleep. When I started college, I had crazy and impossible dreams of grandeur. I wanted to take on the world, and make myself famous. Little did I know, God had other plans which coincidentally did not make me famous.

But fame is not really what I wanted. Deep down inside, I just wanted my life to count for something. I wanted someone to think I am important and that my life has meaning. Now looking at my sleeping boys, I can see the plan God laid out for me. Being a wife and mother has been the greatest adventure I could have ever hoped for, and no amount of fame would have been worth trading all the simple things my life is now overflowing with. I am truly blessed.

Unexpected trip and adventure for the dogs

This morning Barrett and I slept in a little bit after daddy left for work which is not something that happens often. Most mornings we are up and going by 7, but this morning he wasn't quite ready to get up I suppose because we left until 9. It was glorious.

Well, when we finally did wake up I had a text from my husband asking if I would mind driving up to Camp Mabry to bring his beret. Of course, I don't mind. Besides, it gives me a good reason to see him during the day which doesn't happen very often, and Barrett will get to see his daddy for lunch. We pack up and take off, getting up there around 11. Husband's coworkers and superior officer got to see the baby, and we got to go to lunch with him. I love being able to just pick up and leave with the baby. He's so laid back and easy going. It's wonderful.

We get home and I let the dogs outside while I changed the baby. I heard them bark a couple times but that's not anything new. After a few minutes I opened the back door to let them back inside, and they're not in the backyard. They're gone. I was dumbfounded. Both of them didn't have a collar on. Either one of two things happened.

#1: the A/C repair guys didn't latch the gate well enough yesterday afternoon, and they got out

OR

#2: someone intentionally opened our gate and let them out

I am really hoping for the former answer because I can't believe someone in our neighborhood would do that. We have a nice neighborhood. People are friendly, and everything is quiet and lovely around here. So to think someone would be so vindictive and mean is beyond me. Anyway, I packed up Barrett and was about to get in the car to go find the dogs when I opened the garage door, and both dogs came running in. How amazing! This was truly an amazing thing because Spartacus, our schnauzer, is a runner. If he gets out, prepare yourself for a chase. He was the first one into the garage followed right behind by our Catahoula mix, Clementine. Thank God for small favors! I couldn't imagine our home without them.

Now everyone is resting quietly. Little man is sitting in his bouncer seat playing with the toys hanging from the bar above him, and the dogs are underneath the dining room table panting happily. We lead a simple life, but I wouldn't trade it for any amount in the world.

New A/C

I don't know how people did it back in the day, but air conditioning is something I cannot go without. I am too hot natured, and our son inhereited that from me. Poor guy is so miserable here at the house. I really hope these guys are done with the installation soon. If not, I am going to have to take little man somewhere with air.

A/C is kaput

So after having 2 repairmen in the house on Thursday and Friday, they both came to the same conclusion. Our A/C unit is dead, and it would cost more to fix it than to replace it completely. This is not welcome news as you can probably guess. Do we just buy a window unit for the bedroom or do we go ahead and go back into debt so we can have A/C? It's a question me and the hubby are toiling over.

Broken A/C

In Texas, there are only a few things that are required for the summer months (which by the way start in May and last until October): water, sunscreen, Shiner Bock beer, and a working air conditioner. We have the first 3 things covered; it's the last one that we are having problems with. For about 2 weeks now, it has been freezing up off and on, and generally not working right. So we decided it was time to call a service guy because there is nothing worse than it being 103 degrees outside and close to that inside as well.

Vaccinations

Well, today is a big day for Barrett. He is starting his vaccinations. We are following the Dr. Sears extended and delayed schedule, but I am still nervous about the whole thing. Why is it when we were growing up we were only given 10 vaccines, but our children now have 36? Seriously, what has changed in the 20 or so years to warrant that kind of response to childhood illnesses? My biggest concern is him being in pain and/or responding negatively to the shots themselves. I don't want him to hurt and know I am the reason for that pain. He is far too precious to me to stand idly by and watch some nurse poke him.

I just want to be a good mommy who is informed and educated about the choices I make for my son.

Vet bills

Had to take the dogs to the vet this morning for their regular yearly shots and whatnot, and I leave after finding out our little Sparticus has heartworms and holding a bill for nearly $500. Seriously! I think its extortion. How can vets get away with charging that much for basic care for a pet?! I guess that's why most pet owners are irresponsible. Because they don't want to hassle with the expense of being good doggie mommies and daddies. It won't be cheap getting Spart treated for heartworms, but the alternative is watching him die a slow, painful, and preventable death. I think we will just suck it up and pay the bill.

Afternoon naps

I think everyone should take an afternoon nap. We used to take naps as children and we would wake up refreshed and ready to conquer the late afternoon goblins. When did we get away from this practice? I, for one, am bringing back the trend. I'll just take a nap when Barrett does in the afternoon. It will be so great.

Lazy Saturdays

Daddy's off doing boy things today while me and baby are at home hanging out. I love the simple times I get to have with Barrett. We don't do anything special, just playing and laughing and taking naps. It's really wonderful.

Late nights and early mornings

It is way past my bedtime. I should have gone to bed with Barrett at 9:45, but I hadn't seen much of my husband today so I wanted to stay up to be with him but now he's outside in the garage doing heaven knows what to his jeep. Which brings me to the next point of my blog title....he's getting up at 5am to drive to an off roading event. More than likely the baby will wake up when the alarm goes off which means I will be waking up too. That's the only thing I haven't gotten used to yet. The baby dictates what time I wake up.

I love cosleeping with him, but I can't wait until he is ready to sleep in his own bed so I can actually sleep in a little.

Weird dream

Last night the little man woke up and started getting restless so I picked him up and nursed him, and once he fell back asleep I put him back in his cosleeper that is attached to our bed. This was at midnight. He woke up again at 2:30am and was restless so I put my arm across his little body like I have so many nights since he was born and started praying: for him to be at peace, for him to come to know the Lord, for him to have sweet dreams and so on. I drifted in and out of sleep for about 5 minutes but I kept praying. Then I heard a voice say, "stop praying for him." At first I thought it was my husband talking in his sleep, but it wasn't. I heard this voice as if it was right next to Barrett's head. I immediately picked up my son from where he was sleeping and rolled towards my husband whom I woke up and told him to pray for us. We went back to sleep shortly after the prayer ended, and I told my husband I would explain what happened when we woke up.

The alarm went off at 5:30am and my husband got up to turn it off. I explained I had been dreaming and consoling Barrett when he woke up around 2:30 and I told him what I had heard while I was praying for Barrett. He wasn't surprised or shocked to hear what I said. I know we live in a fallen world and are under constant attack by things we can't see, hear, or feel. It's just the first time since Barrett was born that the attacks have been against him. It makes me want to be even more vigilant at being a God centered mommy who is clothed in the armor of Christ. I refuse to be blind to the battle around my family. I know we are a powerhouse for God, and the devil doesn't like that at all. I will raise my son to know we serve the Lord so when the time comes for him to make the choice whether to trust Christ or not, he will have been given all the information he needs to choose on his own. But for now, he is my responsibility and he will be covered in prayer. I will protect him with every fiber of my being.

Sigg bottles and gDiapers

Only once in a blue moon do we have money for the hubby and I to blow on random frivolous things. May is one of those times, and I can't wait to spend my money. I've already decided on a couple of things to get...a new 33oz Sigg bottle. (www.mysigg.com). These bottles are amazing! They are made out of high grade aluminum and last forever. They don't leech plastic into the water or whatever you choose to put in it and stay cold for hours.

The next splurge will be gDiapers for the baby. I just have to buy a package of inserts and a couple liners because I bought the covers off a friend whose baby outgrew them. These are amazing as well! (www.gdiapers.com) A cross between cloth and disposable diapers, zero plastic and completely biodegradable. A very green option for a modern mommy trying to make her part of the world a little better.

San Antonio

So today we're going to San Antonio to visit friends and to pick up my latest obsession...gDiapers. I can't wait to try them out and hopefully make them the permanant diaper choice for our son. It'll be fun.

Rainy days and Mondays

Today happens to be both; however, unlike the Carpenters'...they don't get me down. I love rainy days. We need the rain here in Central Texas so bad any rain is a welcome sight.

It's quiet now. Little man is in his crib napping and I find myself musing about what's to come in our future. I'm constantly in awe of God's provision for our family's life and watching his plan unfold around us. Who would have ever thought we would be debt free, own a house, both cars and still have enough money at the end of the month to have fun with? Seriously we are way ahead of the curve here and we've only been married 4 years. I can't wait to see what the next few months holds. Hubby should get accepted to flight school without any trouble and then hopefully it's off to Fort Rucker. I've never lived anywhere outside of Texas (why would you want to?) so I'm a little nervous and hesitant to be honest, but I know it will be great to see other things and meet some new people. We'll be close to the beach, and we can travel around the South during the weekends. Things are looking up for us, and I'm so thankful for everything that God has brought our way recently.

The rain is really coming down now. I wish I could take a nap too.

Sunday mornings

Some mornings are easy and some are not. Sunday mornings are not. I have to get up, get the baby up who did not want to wake up this morning, and get us both ready for church. Usually I have a pretty good system which works well for us, but for some reason this morning we were off our A game and everything seemed to go awry. First the baby wanted to eat so as I was nursing him, he pooped which was fine but his morning poop is explosive so it got all over him. I took him in his room to change him and let him play in his crib with his helicopter mobile. He was happy for about 10 minutes in which time I have washed my face, brushed my teeth, and started to put my makeup on. I walked into his nursery and he is screaming at his mobile which has stopped turning so I wind it up again and immediately he stops screaming.

Now he's smiling and laughing and not concerned at all that we have to be at church in 15 minutes and I am still not dressed and neither is he. l quickly finished getting ready and threw on some clothes that were on the floor and went in to get the baby dressed. He squirms more than usual and starts screaming again...most likely because he doesn't want to have clothes on. I get him in the carseat, and he immediately poops again. So I get him out of the carseat and change his diaper and put him back in the carseat. We make it out of the house with 5 minutes to spare. We get to church only to realize I left the baby wipes at home. Fantastic!

Church starts and he's asleep in our BabyHawk carrier, and as soon as the message starts Barrett wakes up and is really fussy. So I have to leave the auditorium and walk around the building a couple times and he goes back to sleep sort of. We make it through the first service but he's fading fast and is not happy about it. We leave church before the next service started and get home and no sooner does his head hit the pillow that he's out. Thank God for small favors.

The rest of the day will most likely pan out like this...
1. lunch
2. naptime
3. playtime
4. dinner
5. naptime
6. bath time
7. bedtime

Seriously, sometimes I wonder if I will ever get to have a say in my schedule again, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know he won't be a baby forever so I have to enjoy his dependence on me while I can because he is growing up so fast. I love being a mommy!

Ft. Worth with family

Today's been spent with family, playing at the mall and looking at stuff we can't buy because we're poor. It's okay though. We don't mind being poor, we're rich in love.

I'm pretty excited about dinner tonight. We're going to the Melting Pot to have an entire 4 course meal of different fondues. I love this place, and we don't go very often because it's mainly for special occasions. I guess it is my sister-in-law's and my birthday. We'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow we're introducing the little man to my hubby's entire extended family. I really hope Barrett holds up long enough to meet everyone. Pray for us.

Traveling

I love driving around town and just enjoying the ride. Not going anywhere in particular...just driving. Barrett sits in the backseat, desperately trying to stay awake to keep from missing out on something. We babble back and forth to each other as the drive winds along the roads. It truly is a blessing.

I've got some housework I have to get done today because we're going out of town this evening, and I hate coming home to a messy house. I feel like I used to get so much more done when I was pregnant. I guess I didn't have to keep an eye out for the little man then. I hate housework. I could be doing other more important things like playing with the baby.

Sunshine and pacifiers

Mornings are really special now. Barrett is definitely a morning baby, and he always wakes up so happy. He babbles and coos and laughs. It starts my day off so wonderfully. We just linger in bed, playing and laughing. Life is so simple and glorious now. How did we ever exist before him? I find it so hard to believe waiting so long to have babies, but I know God gave him to us at the right time.

We took a drive earlier, and he fell asleep with the sunshine spilling into the back seat and pooling on his little toes. He loves the car, watching the world whiz past and sucking on his favorite binky. Didn't go anywhere special, just around town. I got lunch and came back home. Now it's naptime, and he's dreaming in the other room. I should be getting some stuff done around the house, but I'm not feeling very domestic at the moment. There's time enough for such things later.

New beginnings

Starting out is always difficult. It's been so long since I tried to do something creative that I'm not so sure I know how anymore. Here's to new beginnings.

29 is around the corner and it takes me by surprise that I moved to San Marcos almost a decade ago. How is that possible? I blinked and all of a sudden I was an adult. The carefree college days are long past and now is the stark white reality of real life. Can we see and feel the end of those days coming like a gradual glorious sunset? Or is it like a spotlight in the dark that catches us off guard and scrambling for the shadows? For me it was the latter. I knew "growing up" was inevitable and inescapable, but it seems to me that with the growing up I lost a piece of the dreamer inside of me. I can remember her, eyes glittering and hair in the wind as I sped down the highway going way to fast for comfort but doing it anyway. When was it that I lost her? I can't really put my finger on it anymore, but this is a new beginning for her. I want to know what it feels like to be hopelessly hopeful again. I want to dream dreams and listen to weird music again and talk to strangers. I want to smile and giggle like a school girl with braids. I want to raise my son knowing anything and everything is possible...even the absurd.

We need to get back to a place where it is okay to extend a hand to a stranger and not expect something in return. We need to get back to thinking not everyone wants something from you or is trying to take advantage of us. The world is cruel and harsh without love and compassion. Try. Just try. Feel a little more than you normally would allow yourself. Open yourself up to understanding there will be pain, but it makes the experience of joy and happiness that much sweeter. It is worth it.
Don't be afraid to touch someone. We don't touch anymore. It is so rare for people to hug. What happened? When did we become so antiseptic in our personal relationships? Why is it acceptable for children to go to bed wondering if their parents love them become they haven't ever been held? Why is it acceptable for wives to wonder? Why is it acceptable for husbands? Why can't we just hold on to one another and remind each other what it is to be and feel alive? I mean, come on, folks. This is the only life on this earth that we get. Why waste it in your own plastic bubble?

So starting today, right now, is the beginning of something big for me. I don't know what it is or what form it is going to take, but I'm open to it now. I just want to live and love and laugh and cry and experience everything this world has to offer without regret.