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I wasn't more than 12 or 13 when my father made a snide comment to the effect of "thunder thighs" or something of the like. He thought he was just teasing, but just like that my life long battle began. It wasn't entirely his fault, and perhaps he didn't even realize what he had done. But I became fully aware of what was and what was not socially acceptable when it came to how I looked. Like most young girls of pubescent age, everything matters. How you look and how you perceive how people see you just happens to be the most important thing in the world. At that time, I thought I was fat. Keeping in mind, dear reader, I was maybe 13, but I knew I was fat. Well I was fatter than every other girl in my class and certainly fatter than all the "popular girls." Little did I know, most of those popular girls felt the exact same way I did. And some still do. Life and time have a way of equalizing us all.
Fast forward 16 years and I can say with all honesty most of those feelings have gone. I say most because I still have the occasional glance in the mirror when I linger a little longer on my midsection as I step out of the shower. But now as I look at the stretch marks and hanging belly skin, I see love. Love that came from carrying my son through a pregnancy. Love that comes from nursing my son as he grows through his first year of life. Love that comes from a woman who finally after 29 years of living in, loving, and hating her body...has finally decided to let it go. I don't want to be one of those women who scrutinizes every line on her face or schedules her "routine" tummy tuck or face lift at 50. I don't want to be one of those women who agonizes the cellulite or spider veins. I don't want to be one of those women who passes on her negative body image issues onto her children. I want to be a woman who laughs often and doesn't give a single thought to the laugh lines that will inevitably appear. I want to be a woman who eats dessert with her children and husband and enjoys it without thinking of the extra sit-ups she'll have to do in the morning. I want to be a woman who doesn't shrug off her husband's compliments or roving hands. I want my children to see that I think myself as beautiful regardless of what size jeans I am currently in.
THIS IS MY BODY. It's not Hollywood perfect. It's not MTV perfect. But perfectly me. This is the body of a woman who has loved life and given and nourished life. Every stretch mark and dimple has been earned in love, and as I trace those curves I will smile. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I will no longer find my beauty in this world.
I've had it in my mind for a little while now about writing a book. However, I don't really know what kind of book I want to write. I know you're supposed to write about what you know or what you're passionate about. For me, I have many passions and know a great many things. So the question is what do I write about? Children's book? Book on being a first time mom? Movies and how they suck nowadays? The highs and lows of being a stay at home military mom? I just don't know, but I want to do this. Suggestions?
Barrett,
I am amazed by you right now. So many things for you to do, see, play with, examine, and figure out. You are growing up so fast....right before our eyes. You can crawl, pull up on things and have 2 teeth now. You spend your days playing and napping hard. I can hardly believe you are already 8 months old. It really only feels like you were born a few days ago. The time has flown so quickly. I never imagined you would be the source of so much joy in our life. I knew we would love you and adore every moment, but seeing you play and laugh and smile at all the wonders of your day simply lights up the room.
Still so easy going and laid back, it is easy to take you places, and you love meeting new people. Everyone falls in love with you as soon as they lay eyes on you. People always comment on what a good baby you are and I have to agree. I thank God every day for giving your father and I such an amazing blessing. I look forward to the days ahead when we can start communicating better. We started signing with you a few weeks ago, and hopefully as the signs start to make sense to you we can sign back and forth. Although, I do understand your language of squeals and screams. I guess that is a mother's privilege. Thankfully, you have taken to sleeping in your room like a champ, and most nights you are down for the count around 8:30 and asleep til 8 or 8:30 the next morning. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to know you are big enough to sleep by yourself. Such a big guy!
Honestly, I think the thing that means the most to me right now is how you reach for us. The best parts of my day are going in to get you out of your crib after waking from a nap. Seeing the look of recognition on your face and then watching you smile really big and put your arms up in the air for me to pick you up genuinely warms my heart. I know these days of simple pleasures won't last, and we will have our trials as you grow, but for now you are still my little baby. And I am going to enjoy every moment while we can. I will rock you in the rocking chair until you don't want me to anymore. I will spoon feed you until you want to do it for yourself. I will scoop you up off the floor after you've bumped your head until you realize you're a big boy and big boys don't need their mommies to kiss their boo-boos anymore. I know that day is coming, and when it does I will have all these beautiful memories to look back on and smile and know that God gave me such an amazing baby boy to care for and love.
I love you,
Mommy
I honestly don't know where the time goes most days. Between watching and playing with the baby and trying to get some stuff done around the house, I look up and the day is already gone. Like today for example, baby woke up at 8am so we played in my bed until his naptime at 9:30. I then got ready for the day: wash face, brush teeth, put on makeup and clothes. Then did some laundry. Baby woke up at 10:45 and we ran some errands around town, came home and fed the baby some lunch and naptime again. I got to do my workout in peace, and he woke up around 1:30. Fed a snack and played alot on the floor. I ate lunch and played some more. Then naptime again at 3. He is still sleeping and I am getting some stuff done online and finishing the laundry. Oh and somewhere in there I cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes. And started thawing out some ground beef for use in tonight's dinner.
However, I don't think I have actually enjoyed the day. I haven't really stopped to enjoy the cute moments with my son or listen to any music or watch a favorite TV show or anything that would enrich me. I need to do some things that are enriching instead of doing things that end up just sucking up my day and time. You know, more and more often the idea of writing a book has been harder and harder to get rid of or justify why I shouldn't. I guess I could always do that.
