Musings

I don't understand how after so many years have passed I can still marvel at the carefree lifestyle I let go. How did I allow it to happen? How did I live so free without a single thought to tomorrow? Shadows of my previous life flit through the air like smoke exhaled from the lips of ancient gods. I can smell that life when I close my eyes at night, thick like whiskey and dark like secrets whispered between two lingering in the embrace of something forbidden. I drank expensive booze and smoked expensive foreign cigarettes. I drove fast and lived fast. I was afraid of nothing. I was up for anything, anytime, anywhere. I wonder now how I even managed to pull myself back to reality and become a "responsible adult." Isn't that what we are supposed to be? Responsible adults. Keeping to the plans set before us by society or family or whoever. Not rocking the boats. Sticking to the status quo. I am left with the questions posed from years before. I may never have the answers I sought then, but I understand now I could never have been truly happy then. I wasn't truly happy then.

I was existing day to day, never thriving. I had people at an arm's length. Never really letting people in for fear of what they might find or worse, what I might reveal to them in a moment's weakness. I want to know people and I want people to know me. Everything about me...the good, bad, and indifferent. I am flawed but beautiful. I am neurotic but hilarious. I am one of the best amateur cooks I know and a damn fine wife, lover, and mother. I am still afraid of nothing. I am fiercely protective and loyal. I listen to good music and drink the occasional glass of whiskey albeit the whiskey is few and far between lately. A film snob in every sense of the words piously hoping the powers that be will eventually realize the American public isn't worth making films for and will get back to finding true, individual talents and showcasing them in works of genius.

Sometimes the person you envision yourself becoming is not at all who you eventually become. Sometimes that is good and sometimes bad, but in my case, I hope I can look at everything I have seen and done and be thankful that I don't know how the story ends. My book is still being written, and I foresee several twists in this plot.

Culinary experiment

I decided this morning I was going to tackle creme brulee. I went to the store with Barrett in tow and purchased the necessary ingredients. I had to wait until Barrett's afternoon nap to start cooking, and to my surprise the recipe was incredibly easy. Not complicated or daunting like I had imagined. Everything came together in less than an hour and into the refridgerator for the manditory 3 hour rest period.

Now comes the moment of truth....eating the first one. I'll let you know how it goes.

A Letter to my son at 2 months

Friday, April 17, 2009

Barrett, Here it is...2 months have flown past since God let us borrow you from heaven. I can't hardly believe everything that has happened. I look at you these days, with your eyes so bright and full of wonder, and I can't even imagine life without you in it. How did your father and I even exist without you? The joy and overwhelming happiness you bring into our home is immeasurable. We were happy before, but now it seems we are finally complete. The beginning was rough. I thought I would never stop crying. The tears were tears of fear, love, sadness, and joy. I felt like a crazy person most of the first few weeks of your life, and I'm sorry if you ever suspected God might have made a mistake by making me your mother. Everything was a challenge. Learning how to breastfeed you, change you, sleep when you slept, bathe you. Babies were never my strong suit, but as the days have passed we have found a routine that works for us. You continually amaze me. With each coo and gurgle you are wrapping me around your little tiny finger, and I find myself more in love with you than the moment before. I watch your baby blues drink in the world around you and am in awe of what you must be thinking and dreaming of. I know I will miss these early days, your bobble head, the bubbles you blow with your drool, all the first smiles and giggles, but nothing will be better than the days to come. I can't wait for the next day when you teach me something else I didn't know about myself or about being a mother. I can't wait to watch you grow into your gigantic melon, which by the way you got from your father. I want to see your face as you explore the world around you all the while quietly watching from a far ready to attack any one or thing that tries to hurt you. My whole life has been leading to this, and I am forever thankful to almighty God for bestowing upon me the greatest gift...you. I love you, Barrett Keith.

Where did we go wrong

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I find myself wondering alot these days, and yes I know I have started a post with that same phrase or something closely resembling that. I don't care. It's the truth. For reasons beyond my control I find myself in a lonely season. Life is good, but things are lonely. People moved and/or are thinking of moving. People had and/or are having children. The carefree college days are long past and now is the stark white reality of real life. Where did I go wrong? I think if we are honest with ourselves we understand that life moves on and people grow apart, but what if the reality is a sham to gloss over the pain of something underneath. Where did I fail you? Movies make us believe that friends are friends no matter the cost or the pain, but that's not really the truth. Friends hurt us. Friends disappoint us. And ultimately, friends are the ones who walk out on us the most. But is that the end? I say no. I say...let's move on together. Whatever was said, not said, done or not done...it's over. If you continue to linger in your self-pity, self-loathing, self-worship or whatever you are doing, it only creates a deeper chasm for me to bridge. Now I am willing to cross, however, if in the immortal words of Tyler Durden, what happened is "the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it"...then let's fight it out and get over it. Now ponder carefully your choice as I have been known in my wilder days to cut a person to ribbons with only a turn of phrase. The years have mellowed me; it is true, but don't deceive yourself to think I couldn't draw blood if needed. A surgeon must cut in order to remove the cancer before it spreads, and I pray I would have the skill necessary to cut you if I had to. That, of course, would not be my only intention, but I believe you understand my point. I await your choice. So back to the beginning. Where did we go wrong? Where did I fail you? If I have phrased this correctly, I could and most likely am speaking to any number of people. Read into this as much or as little as you like. I grant you the freedom to do so as I'm sure you would have anyway. But as I have stated before, my friends have and always will be the crafters of my fate. With whom I have laughed, cried, loved and shared many precious and not so precious moments. Over the past 10 years many of you have seen me at my worst and my best, and I pray when looking back you grant me mercy for what was said, unsaid, done or undone.

One year older...none the wiser

Thursday, May 15, 2008

***WARNING! This post is extremely angry and cynical. If you are faint of heart or are easily offended, you may want to skip this one. You've been warned.*** So here it is. Two days past my 28th birthday. 28. 2-8 It's been ten years since I graduated high school, and the whole situation has me a bit nostalgic. But then again, not really. It's a complicated emotion. I mean, who ARE these people who say high school is the "best years of your life." Are they serious?! Because if I could go back and relive any point in my history, I can tell you without hesitation it would not be high school. Other than the few (and I do mean few) meaningful friendships and relationships, those 4 tulmultuous years spent in Columbia High was basically a mild and legal version of torture. Now, don't get me wrong. It served its purpose, and blah blah blah. But if you're honest with yourself, high school is a joke. It's a little more than a popularity contest that bleeds into your adult life. If you're from a small town who you were in high school is probably who you are as an adult. If you were the jerk who got his/her jollies from ragging on everyone else, you're probably still that jerk. If you were an outcast, you're probably still an outcast but were always really talented but no one bothered to notice while we were all enduring the torture together. The stereotypes could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. I've heard a lot of rumors going around about our reunion, and let me just put this one to rest. I'm not going. Sorry, but I'm not. I don't think standing around in a huddled circle having repeated 5 minute awkward conversations about our lives sounds very appealing. If you're not in my life right now for one reason or another, I can sum up my life in a paragraph for you. Married for 3 years now, no kids. And no my life isn't empty because we don't have kids yet, but thanks for thinking you are better than me or more fulfilled than me because you do have kids. I still have my freedom. I'm an account manager at a private PR/CS firm in San Marcos, and my husband is in the military and works as the worship leader at our church. We have two dogs: Clementine and Spartacus, a catahoula mix and a miniature schnauzer respectively. We just bought our first home. That's it. At least that's as much as we would discuss in those awkward conversations repeating the same thing over and over again. Because in the end, people go to class reunions to do one thing...make themselves feel better about their lives by comparing how they turned out in relation to everyone else. And to whisper behind everyone's backs just like they did 10 years ago. Sorry but I won't be fodder for anyone's water cooler gossip the following Monday. You can just wonder about me. ***I told you so.***

Standing on the verge

Monday, March 24, 2008

A decision has to be made. Jump or not. Easy enough, you would think, but of course you would be wrong. If it was so easy you would have done it already. What is keeping you from doing it? Whatever "it" is. I have a lot of different "it"s in my life, and I’m sure you do to. What holds us back? Keeps us locked in place or worse, spinning in circles. There was a time when nothing could have kept me from running on ahead just to see what was around the next corner, what was over the next hill. What changed? Was it the sadness of losing those old dreams? The devastation over a lost lover? I don’t really know anymore. Will this next step bring me closer to who I’m supposed to be or will it just be another replacement standing in for me? Did I get off track or did I just stop caring about it all together? Where is the distinction? I want to know. Gazing into the future has never been a talent for me. Some people can do it, I can’t. I don’t know if I would want to, but this verge has me scared. Scared of everything it stands for and of everything it will turn me into. Do I really want this? No one has the answer and yet everyone is so eager to tell me I’m not complete unless I jump off this cliff. Who are they to say what is best for me? Or this life? What if this is the wonderful life I am supposed to have? This is all. This is it. Why isn’t that enough for everyone looking on?

Reflections on an October evening...

Monday, October 15, 2007

I find myself wondering lately about alot of things. Like....why does it take a major tragedy or life change for people to genuinely care about each other? How does it make sense to be lonely in the midst of a crowd? When did it become acceptable for people to stop being kind? And why are there so few hugs and kisses? Why are we so cold and unfeeling towards each other? Why are we so determined to hold onto the past? Why are we so distant from one another? Are we really that different? I'm writing this to a specific person who may or may not read this entry, but it doesn't matter if they do or not. I don't know what is going on with your life. I want to. I don't know if you think of me, but I think about you often. I hope your life is turning out exactly the way you had hoped. I honestly do. What is done is done, and what is said is said. I can't change what happened or didn't happen to make you turn your back on me, but I have changed. I am not the woman I once was. Life has a way of reminding us what is truly important. You were important to me once, and I would like you to be again. Only you can make that decision. I have no idea who will or will not read this, but I want you to know as you read these words I love you. I may not have spoken to you in years. I may not have ever spoken to you. I love you. At some point you may have been a huge part of my life, and for that I am eternally greatful. You helped shape the woman I am now, and the older I get the more I realize I need the people who knew me when I was young. My friends have always been my life, and I am terribly sorry if I ever let a day pass when I didn't tell you. I love you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. We need to get back to a place where it is okay to extend a hand to a stranger and not expect something in return. We need to get back to thinking not everyone wants something from you or is trying to take advantage of us. The world is cruel and harsh without love and compassion. Try. Just try. Feel a little more than you normally would allow yourself. Open yourself up to understanding there will be pain, but it makes the experience of joy and happiness that much sweeter. It is worth it. Don't be afraid to touch someone. We don't touch anymore. It is so rare for people to hug. What happened? When did we become so antiseptic in our personal relationships? Why is it acceptable for children to go to bed wondering if their parents love them become they haven't ever been held? Why is it acceptable for wives to wonder? Why is it acceptable for husbands? Why can't we just hold on to one another and remind each other what it is to be and feel alive? I mean, come on, folks. This is the only life on this earth that we get. Why waste it in your own plastic bubble? I don't know if the dawn will bring a new understanding of things for me, but I hope so. Every day is a gift. I'm spending mine wisely now.

The glorious

Thursday, November 02, 2006

It is truly an amazing event when a woman understands how strong she really is. I wrote a friend today, and it dawned on me....I really am a strong woman. If you know me, you most likely know my past, and you know it's not pretty. But if you don't, it's okay. The ephipany doesn't have to be lost on you. Living in this day and age is remarkable. We have every known convenience. We have everything a civil society could want, and yet there are women in this country who wake up every morning and truly believe they are ugly, fat, unwanted, stupid...the adjectives could go on for days. How did we come to this? If you have a woman in your life, any woman; whether she is your wife, mother, lover, sister, aunt, grandmother or just your mail carrier, please tell her you appreciate her. Tell her she is lovely. Tell her she is fill in the blank. Because women are more than 3 times likely to attempt suicide than men just to see if someone will care enough to ask why. So if you care about a woman or women in your life, tell them. We are the last glorious, shining creations of God's hand.

Passion....

Monday, April 10, 2006

passion.... Christianity, believe it or not, has marked the time of human history. The events leading up to and following the cruxifiction of Jesus Christ has shaped every major political, artistic, and cultural movement since. However you feel towards God or Christ....good, bad, or indifferent, the fact of the matter is over 80% of nonpracticing Christians WILL go to church on Easter Sunday. And I want to know why? The events of passion week draw us in and invite us to learn more. Plain and simple. Why would anyone endure the pain, humiliation, scrutiny, torture, and shame? Easy. Because Christ knew what he was doing and was fulfilling more than 40 different prophesies for the salvation of man. You can believe it or not. Christ was either who the Bible says and who He proclaimed to be OR he was the greatest liar and sharlatan ever born. There is no middle ground. There is no grey area. There is no third option. Lots of people I talk to say...."yeah, well what if you're wrong?" And you know what I say. "Yeah, it's true. What if I am wrong? But....what if I'm right?" What if. Do you really want to base your eternity on a question? Take the time. Use this week. Do some research on your own. Form your own opinions about faith instead of leeching off your friends.A good place to start is A Case for Christ and A Case for Faith both by Lee Strobel. Also anything by C.S. Lewis. These books can lead you to the truth, not to mention change your life. If you are planning on coming to Easter Sunday service and do not have a church, please come to ours. Fellowship of San Marcos. We currently are meeting on campus at Texas State at the university performing arts center behind Harris Underground. If you don't know where that is, please let me know. Either way, this week can be life changing if you let it. Just think about it.

When it all falls apart

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I am 25. A life lived almost to the full in such few years, but I know there is more to see and do and love and learn. Through the ups and downs, what has remained?......

friends...no, not really. This place is a testament to the fact we all grow apart and then are amazed when we find each other again.

family....no, not really. Families are great, but you eventually realize at some point your parents and siblings can't figure out their own lives much less yours too.

gf/bf....definately not. Even I know a man won't make me happy if I can't figure out how to do it myself.

spouses....now, this one is tricky. If you get married for the right reasons and walk into it with the right perspective, this relationship (for lack of a better word) is the closest thing to permanent we have in this world. BUT...if you get married and realize you weren't prepared or find out you didn't know the person you were so really MADLY in love with afterall....well we all know where that goes.

money....are you kidding? Most people don't even have a paycheck in their hands before it's spent in 14 different ways.

possessions....once again, are you kidding? You can't take all that crap with you when you die. And why would you want to? It was meaningless here, and only our inflated senses of accomplishment made feel like it was worth anything.

So what does that leave us with in the end when it all falls apart?

God. That's it. Only him. And, man, this world is in desperate need of a reality check if we think we don't need to figure this fundamental part of existance out. I'm not so sure why I wrote this other than I needed to hear it myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is....it's not too late to turn this whole thing around.

If you don't know Christ, it's okay. Today is the day. Don't put it off. We are not promised another dawn. Take advantage of the brain HE gave you and start the only relationship designed to meet ALL the needs, wants, desires, and dreams you have and could ever have. Understand you are a sinner because we all are. Say you are sorry and mean it this time. Ask Him to be in control, and really let go of all the pain, shame and torment of trying to live up to the world's crappy expectations. I promise it will make the world of difference in your life because it did and continues to in my life.

If you have questions or just want to rant at me for having the audacity to post this in a public place, please feel free to have at me for it. Believe me, I welcome anything anyone has to say.

Moving some old blogs to this blog

Moving some old blog posts to this one so everything is in one place. More to come.

Meditations on a green sky

I've often wondered if the things I did or didn't do in my youth really sculpted the woman I am today. Did the lovers I left in my past shape the lover I am today? Did the friends I left behind make me the friend I am now? I dream regularly of people from my past, and sometimes I want to call and talk to those people just to see if I am in their thoughts and dreams. One particular person reoccurs in my dreams. So often, in fact, it's annoying. Why am I dreaming about him? We didn't even really like each other when we knew each other.

Then I think...what if those same people who skate through my dreams at night are dreaming of me too? Would that even be a possibility? It's exciting to think of such a thing. To think we might be intertwined in dreaming. How beautiful.

Freaking A/C is leaking!

So I got up because I couldn't sleep, and I hear dripping. Great! I walk down the hallway and listen for where it is coming from and lo and behold it's coming from the A/C vent. I open the panel and move the air filter and the freaking ground is covered in 1/2" of water!!!! Who knows how long it has been dripping?!!! The drywall behind the vent is wet and the 2x4s are wet. I am pissed. This unit was just installed in May. We haven't even had it for 2 months. All I know is the people who installed it better come tomorrow, and they better fix it and provide an answer as to why the "state of the art" A/C unit they sold us is freaking dripping through our ceiling!

Dammit, now we have to figure out how to dry the area behind the vent so mold doesn't grow. Of course this would happen as soon as we decide to sell our house! It never ends. It's always something.

Musings on a Friday evening

Things are moving towards our inevitable move in March of next year, and I can't help but be a little apprehensive. San Marcos has been home for almost a decade, and leaving Texas isn't something I thought I would ever do. I am extremely proud of my husband, and I know this season in our family's life is going to be exciting and will be great for us in the long run. But it's just different. At least Barrett won't remember living in another state besides Texas.