Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I find myself wondering alot these days, and yes I know I have started a post with that same phrase or something closely resembling that. I don't care. It's the truth.
For reasons beyond my control I find myself in a lonely season. Life is good, but things are lonely. People moved and/or are thinking of moving. People had and/or are having children. The carefree college days are long past and now is the stark white reality of real life. Where did I go wrong? I think if we are honest with ourselves we understand that life moves on and people grow apart, but what if the reality is a sham to gloss over the pain of something underneath. Where did I fail you? Movies make us believe that friends are friends no matter the cost or the pain, but that's not really the truth. Friends hurt us. Friends disappoint us. And ultimately, friends are the ones who walk out on us the most. But is that the end?
I say no. I say...let's move on together. Whatever was said, not said, done or not done...it's over. If you continue to linger in your self-pity, self-loathing, self-worship or whatever you are doing, it only creates a deeper chasm for me to bridge. Now I am willing to cross, however, if in the immortal words of Tyler Durden, what happened is "the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it"...then let's fight it out and get over it. Now ponder carefully your choice as I have been known in my wilder days to cut a person to ribbons with only a turn of phrase. The years have mellowed me; it is true, but don't deceive yourself to think I couldn't draw blood if needed. A surgeon must cut in order to remove the cancer before it spreads, and I pray I would have the skill necessary to cut you if I had to. That, of course, would not be my only intention, but I believe you understand my point. I await your choice.
So back to the beginning. Where did we go wrong? Where did I fail you? If I have phrased this correctly, I could and most likely am speaking to any number of people. Read into this as much or as little as you like. I grant you the freedom to do so as I'm sure you would have anyway. But as I have stated before, my friends have and always will be the crafters of my fate. With whom I have laughed, cried, loved and shared many precious and not so precious moments. Over the past 10 years many of you have seen me at my worst and my best, and I pray when looking back you grant me mercy for what was said, unsaid, done or undone.