Musings

I don't understand how after so many years have passed I can still marvel at the carefree lifestyle I let go. How did I allow it to happen? How did I live so free without a single thought to tomorrow? Shadows of my previous life flit through the air like smoke exhaled from the lips of ancient gods. I can smell that life when I close my eyes at night, thick like whiskey and dark like secrets whispered between two lingering in the embrace of something forbidden. I drank expensive booze and smoked expensive foreign cigarettes. I drove fast and lived fast. I was afraid of nothing. I was up for anything, anytime, anywhere. I wonder now how I even managed to pull myself back to reality and become a "responsible adult." Isn't that what we are supposed to be? Responsible adults. Keeping to the plans set before us by society or family or whoever. Not rocking the boats. Sticking to the status quo. I am left with the questions posed from years before. I may never have the answers I sought then, but I understand now I could never have been truly happy then. I wasn't truly happy then.

I was existing day to day, never thriving. I had people at an arm's length. Never really letting people in for fear of what they might find or worse, what I might reveal to them in a moment's weakness. I want to know people and I want people to know me. Everything about me...the good, bad, and indifferent. I am flawed but beautiful. I am neurotic but hilarious. I am one of the best amateur cooks I know and a damn fine wife, lover, and mother. I am still afraid of nothing. I am fiercely protective and loyal. I listen to good music and drink the occasional glass of whiskey albeit the whiskey is few and far between lately. A film snob in every sense of the words piously hoping the powers that be will eventually realize the American public isn't worth making films for and will get back to finding true, individual talents and showcasing them in works of genius.

Sometimes the person you envision yourself becoming is not at all who you eventually become. Sometimes that is good and sometimes bad, but in my case, I hope I can look at everything I have seen and done and be thankful that I don't know how the story ends. My book is still being written, and I foresee several twists in this plot.